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Wednesday, March 18, 2015

captain's blog: this long piece

2:28 PM

Okay, enough's enough. I've had enough of recovering from what had happened, but I think it's time to get back to working on what awaits me for my future. It's interesting that I'm writing this entry just above my open letter to her, because I've nothing interesting to write from then on. You may think it's sudden that would leave you scratching your head, but it's done. I guess I'll just keep it simple rather than making it poetic -- at least I'll keep it simple this time. I just want to write this down to make it official that it's over and I'm past it. There. I said it. We broke up. I went home to the Philippines to see my grandparents and meet my girlfriend in person. And things did not work out between us.

We're not meant to be. I loved her. I opened my feelings to her and she knows that she's my only one. I gave up a lot for her. I trusted her with my heart. But it didn't not work out between us. It even had to happen on Valentine's Day when we broke up. She was looking for something that I didn't have and I thought that she isn't the person that I expected. She said that I'm a good person and a good Christian, but I'm not a good boyfriend and I knew her since elementary; I guess those two things did not have any merit at all -- being a good person and a good Christian. So much for us having the same faith. Does she want the reverse of things instead?

My material gifts also were not counted as an effort to her. The first time that we were by ourselves, I should have taken her hint that she had rejected me already, because of the things she had revealed. One of them she said 'let's enjoy our friendship.' But I did say that even if she rejects me, I would try again. So I did. But the following weeks after that, we would meet less, even though meeting together is what she wants in our relationship. I'd go visit her at work, just to leave right away because she had to leave immediately, and I would go to her place and stay for 30 minutes because she wants to sleep. I invited her a lot of times so we can be together, but she had other plans. I really tried despite that I had to change my schedule to everything in my vacation.

One time, I personally went to her place with while carrying this huge box of Polly Pocket All-in-One Wall Set to her house. It's a gift to her niece. I wanted to invite her to come with me to go out of town; it's an overnight through Valentine's Day; I've already reserved the villa. She said she was still undecided, because of other obligations. It was fine so had 5 days to wait for her to answer if she's coming or not. In the end, she didn't answer. None at all. Not even a no. That's my worth I guess. I guess she could just put my personal invitation on one side. I felt ignored.

I purposely did not remind her, because I wanted to know the worth of my effort. I wanted to know how much she valued that invitation. It's not that she didn't answer because she forgot. In fact, I would receive a text from her asking how my out of town trip went and that was when I expressed my disappointment. At this point, I was already observing her as well to see the direction of our 'relationship'. She said she would call and text, so I trusted her that she would give me an answer. But since she didn't reply at all -- even though we would personally meet one day before it all -- I guess that is the worth of my effort. She just put it aside, ignored it, and thought it was fine because it's not a big deal.

How could I say that I was fine when I've done that because I wanted to spend time with her? We were already leaving back for Canada in 7 days. And here I thought we would spend it together. She also said it was my fault because I didn't ask her again. I just shook my head at my disbelief.

This is how I'll be reminded of Valentine's Day. Hers too. I wasn't fine at all. Reality hit me showing we were drastically different and she isn't the one. I was reminded to what she said during that Wednesday when it was just us during a dinner meet, that her 'dream' of finding what she was looking for isn't me. I should've seen it coming. Again, I should've taken the hint. But I fought against it -- yet we weren't meant to be.

I can't fight for it anymore. Coming back to my senses, she never did tell me any sweet nothings. When I bought her that expensive thing she wanted, I can only shake my head when she replied that it's not counted as an effort because she didn't ask for it; and I wanted to surprise her for it. Those two music videos posted on Facebook meant nothing too, I guess. I wonder if she really loved me. Did she cherish me? How would she prove it as well? Call it as something shallow, but when I would write a sweet nothing to her, her only reply is 'ditto' or 'likewise'. Yeah, it hurts.

Let's move on.

That's what I've been trying to do since I got back here. It's not easy. I don't know how I can describe what I'm feeling right now. Is this how heartbreak feels? At least I have some kind of twisted consolation; now I can truly write literature related to heartbreak -- dark literature. Since I write romantic nonsense, now I can write dark nonsense.

I'm reminded that every new beginnings come from some other beginning's end.

Nothing feels quite the same. A part of me died. I've said goodbye to one of my dreams. I feel like I'm going back from scratch. I tell you, it's not easy and I cried not because I lost her, but because all of my hardwork, all of the inspiration, all of my effort were in vain. She really doesn't or did not know how much I wanted to spend my future with her. I felt so sad during that Valentine's Day, because I was so frustrated that I've done all of that hard work, I've given a lot, braved the oceans of time and fought depression just to lead me to a breakup. And a breakup on a Valentine's Day no less.

Folks know I'm prone to depression and it's hard to nurse your heart, but it's true what they say that being with your loved ones helps. A lot. February 20th was probably my most difficult moment in life. One of my close relatives died, I'd be leaving my grandmother who can't walk anymore, my girlfriend and I broke up, and I'm gonna miss my loved ones in the Philippines to go back to Canada. One week before our return, I was completely a walking contradiction. When we broke up, I just wanted to go back to Canada. However, when it was finally time to leave, I didn't want to go back. How can I go back to slave work? How can I go back facing the challenges of life when my inspiration is gone? I've lost my drive and my happiness and I became confused what I'm going to do. Clearly, I was in no condition to go back home. Yet it was time to go home.

I thought I would spend my future with her and I sacrificed a lot knowing I'd come to see her. I knew I was going to feel refreshed. I've been working hard to save money until the trip and now my heart is broken. I've just been telling myself to work hard and suck it up, because I know I'll see her this January. Now, I feel terrible.

If you think I can't move on, that's where you're wrong.

The truth in our relationship was revealed during my trip that she is truly different from the girl that I used to know. Why is it so complicated? But hey, my five week vacation has been meaningful. I went home so that I would see my lolo before he passed away. I came home so that I would see how my Ate Susan is doing -- and she's not doing so great. I came home so that I would see my grandparents again. I came home so that I would take a break from stuff here in Canada. It's a trip that I won't forget. Oh, it's memorable alright!

I am emptied in order to be filled; I was hurt in order to grow; I fell in order to know; I lost in order to gain. I have been broken to be whole again.

Labels: captain's log

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PROFILE
sex: Male
location: classified
home country: Pilipinas
currently in: Canada

Jed David is a former BS Business Economics student in UP Diliman. He's working in the office to save for tuition fee and an airplane ticket. He's studying in the University of Winnipeg as a Business Admin and Computer Science student. He's a freelance photographer, a freelance writer, solo webadmin, webdesigner and an active blogger. He's a member of the modding community. He likes fastfood. He sucks at Math and Physics. He's no literary writer. He likes playing basketball but usually ends up with a few broken bones. He's so lame he gets nosebleed on his first step on the stairs. He's such a loser... *negative remarks*. Overall, he's eccentric. Oh. And he's favorite Love Hina character is Shinobu -- they're both Scorpio.

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